‘When do you feel most like you’
When I feel free.
‘what does free feel like’
It feels like Joy.
‘Feels like joy…’
Yes. and it sounds like the ocean.
‘When are you joyful’
When I’m connected.
‘Connected’ she said.
She said it in a way that came like a relief to me, in that beautiful way when someone understands what you cant explain, she came to me like fresh air. Connected, I said back. Again and again, I said it over and again.
Last week rocked my world a little bit. Last week felt a bit like being in a boat, with one oar, rowing. It felt like being out to sea without enough food, but enough water to drink and wash my hands. It felt like a one or the other…you don’t need to be thirsty, but you’ll have to be hungry, said a voice I could not identify. And all I know is I felt hungry, for tastes that I cant quite name, it’s a rumble. It’s how it starts. And then it gets louder and louder, and it’s very disruptive.
I know. I’ve been hungry before. We all have.
To be nourished, for me, is to be heard. In my highest self I am
Connected, Inspired, Joyful, Free, Open.
When I don’t take the time to observe and be still, so quickly can I make choices that take me away from who I know myself to be.
And these choices show up as busy. Checking boxes. Moving quickly. Avoiding conversations. Looking away as I say I love you, as I run out the door,checking my phone. In my hunger I do not honor the words that deserve a pause. I love you. pause. I love you.
In my hunger I act irrationally and cannot think clearly, I drink water and say to myself, this is enough, don’t be greedy.
Last week I sat among a group of leaders for a lululemon development day, and the conversation was so good. All about leading self, leading others, and the responsibility of real talk, saying outloud, the unspoken truth. While I was there, I was in it, fully engaged, fully in. And then I got home and it was like a self-development hangover. I felt tired and I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up that night and thought about the places I was being inauthentic, the conversations I am afraid of, the judgements I place on myself and on absolutely everyone else. I looked closely at the places I feel blocked…and the people I feel blocked from, I made myself as wrong as I possibly could, because pity feels better than responsibility. So I threw myself that party of 1 through the night, and slowly began to find my way back through.
And in the beautiful way that it is always so…it was morning.
I drove to work, hazy from tired, and from the sun that is 700 in the morning sun. When the sun comes up, and when the sun goes down, I love the time that lingers there. It feels like magic.
My life the past few months has had a certain momentum to it. I LOVE climbing mountains. Love. It’s the part of the process that I am both good at, and genuinely love. It shows up in my leadership, and it shows up in my partnership, I’d be a fool to say that it doesn’t show up for me everywhere. But then you get to the part where you reach the top (see: store is open, relationship 6 month point, genuine friendships in a new state, teaching in a place I love) and I’m thinking to myself, ‘well now what the hell am I supposed to do.’ Good news? I am not afraid of any mountain, and in this fearlessness I can gather large groups of people, and with just a little smile, away we go. Climb climb climb. And then we get to the top and everyone’s celebrating and taking pictures. And I’m all, people, move it, we have moutains to climb.
Moving to Kenya. Moving across the Country. Leaving a cush job. Grad School. Teaching yoga. Mountain…mountain…mountain…mountain.
This time? I commit to observing. I love the view. But some part of me always feels just a little bit guilty taking in the view too long. Don’t be greedy, Lyndsey. Don’t be selfish.
I am hungry now for the work that is in the details. For playing really really close attention to how things feel. This life I am working towards? What do I want it to feel like? I want to support others in how they feel. And you know what, I just want people to feel real freaking good.
I LOVE this quote by Danielle LaPorte in The Fire Starter Sessions:
I will always be a mountain climber. It’s true to me, and it’s something I love about myself. Climbing mountains vs wondering about climbing mountains takes you places where the world simply offers itself to you.
Would you look at that. I want to say this one million times before I die.
Would you look at that.
Every mountain I climb, I get a little bit better. Slow down. Bring others with you. If people are struggling, help them, they are not weak, they are strong for slowing down, for putting one or both knees on the ground, go to them, be with them, bring them water.
My hunger is a sign to me where I am not being authentic. So I’m looking there. What am I afraid of?
I have this beautiful life that I am afraid of.
I have this beautiful life that I am in love with.
I have this beautiful life.
And so do you.
She came to me like this fresh sea-salt-air, asked me the questions that I was hungry to answer, and we met each other right there in the middle.
I just started weekly life coaching sessions led by this beauty Mary Beth LaRue…who I crossed paths with by way of another beautiful being who fills me up on a soul level, and challenges me to be brighter than I am. ‘set your life on fire, seek those who fan your flames’ (J.Carr, you. So grateful for you)
But she asked me the questions I was so ready to hear in that moment.
How do you want to feel, she asked? So gentle, so kind, but so accountable to not letting me off the hook…
She gave me the name of a great book, The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle LaPorte.
I’ll write more on this as I go deeper into this work. But this question of ‘how do you want to feel’ is frankly, changing things for me, rocking me at the core, sending me out to sea with one oar…and it is SO GOOD.
Friends, it’s not about what you are searching for your life to look like. Partner, house in the perfect neighborhood, a giant salary, whatever it is…fill in the blanks, we all have a million. It’s about once you get there (and you’ll get there, if you want to bad enough) how do you want to feel? Did you let yourself be led by feeling…or did you follow the step by step guide.
What does your life feel like right now?
What do you want your life to feel like?
If those two questions aren’t in alignment…where have you broken down.
Connected, Inspired, Joyful, Free, Open.
This is me at my highest self. Who are you?
You deserve to tell the truth.
You deserve to LIVE your truth.
‘begin anywhere’ — John cage