when one door closes, sit in a dog bed, and cry.
(my newest lesson on ‘failure’)
If today was documented on my instagram feed it would look like this:
- my nightstand, with a role of charmin toilet paper, that I’ve been using for Kleenex (cause I’m out of Kleenex) from having a beast of a cold through the weekend. #kleenexinmynose
- me launching dog treats into the backyard so Moose would be inspired to pee in the backyard instead of me having to walk him (he hasn’t embraced the backyard yet) cause again, there’s Kleenex in my nose, and I’d rather not be walking around my neighborhood like that. #moosethedog
- me taking a phone call and finding out I did not get the job that I was full-heart press moving towards. And trying to discern that it’s just not personal, it’s experience. #ohcrapwhatnow
- me sitting on moose’s dog bed (with Moose) crying, ugly-face crying. For a good solid hour. I sat there initially cause it’s close to my phone charger which I needed, but then I stayed there, because frankly, it felt like exactly where I should be. #lookmomiminadogbed
After all that, the one I chose to post, cause certainly you’re not liking all that, and yes, I do want you to like me. I settled on this one.
I just started reading this book called The Kindness Diaries. I bought about 12 books in a ny-quil inspired haze on Sunday night. This book, by Leon Logothesis, is a memoir of his travel across the world, on a yellow motorcycle (with side car) without a dollar. He relied on kindness of others only, to help him, and along the way, he surprises those that are kind to him (food, gas, shelter) with gifts that he knows would change their lives dramatically. It’s a really beautiful book. I’m currently half-way through the book, and Leon is in the South of France.
The very first page.
‘act as if what you’re doing makes a difference. it does’ –
I sat on the dog bed, moose curled up next to me, and just kinda looked at that. I blew my nose on some charmin. I took the words one by one, and said them out loud carefully.
Here’s what’s real you guys. One of my biggest struggles in life is feeling like I don’t fit. I have a big big story, about not belonging. Which is why, 99/100 times, I leave (jobs, people, places, etc) before anyone can leave me. It’s my armor.
I’ve gotten way better at this. Way better at recognizing when that ugly ugly phrase has arrived through my front door. Way better at staying. I have found best friends, I have been in love a handful of wonderful times, I have healed at the source.
But, it doesn’t mean I don’t look for the proof, all the time. I look for it the way you hear to strain a whisper, or something far far off, I look for it in the way where you look for it, in the way someone’s standing, their hands in their pockets, the way they gaze, away. I look for it to as a drum beat to my solidarity and my sovereignty. March on, march on.
And that’s all I could hear today.
So, a lot has happened these past 6-months, and I didn’t quite know how to update, but the truth works. So we’ll start there.
In October, I did this crazy 80-hour work week thing, working both for lululemon and starting up my new gig with Team Danielle, over at Danielle LaPorte inc. (DLP) By November I was working exclusively for DLP, and by December, I wasn’t. We parted ways. It didn’t work for a whole lotta reasons, (love not being one, which made it hard), but that was a reality to deal with. I left my job that I was comfortable, loved, and familiar with, surrounded by an amazing team, took a huge leap, fell down, rode through a new team in a blaze glory, and before I could blink, find my shoes, or take a breath. It was over. I didn’t want to admit that, because even me, queen of vulnerability didn’t want you to know the deep way I felt I had failed. I didn’t understand how all that love wasn’t enough for it to work, I tried to understand it, the way you try to understand a math problem. I am often trying to understand love, I am often at the blackboard. I was picked up like literally almost immediately by a 5 foot 2, giant-sized heart and courage of a woman named Sarah Mendelson to come work for ivivva (which is lululemon for our little momma’s agest 4-14) to support the showroom team here in Sacramento. It was vulnerable in and of itself to go back to lululemon for the THIRD time, but man, it’s just my wheelhouse and I love it. That was just about 3-weeks ago, and lot has happened in those three weeks. It felt temporary, but also very valuable, and something I wanted to contribute to, and so I gave it my all. I did know I was going in the interview pool for a community role at lululemon, just 100% my jam of working across an area, with different teams, connecting up a storm. It’s a job that feels on par with what the scope and reach that I want to contribute. I so badly wanted to make my mark as someone who does this…for a living. After so many conversations, I just wanted to take it to the finish. I feel like I’ve talked so much these past few months, and frankly, I want a little quiet. I’ve been running at a pace that’s completely caught up with me. I’m tired.
It’s not a lack of gratitude.
It’s not even that it’s not enough.
It’s just that it’s been some time where I have felt like I am making a difference on a level at which I feel like I was put on the planet to make.
And I didn’t get it.
My entire 20’s, I couldn’t lose. In that sense that I got one job, after the other, I got an entirely free ride to Penn State for my PhD, I gained thousands on every offer letter I signed, I fell in love. I danced many many nights away. I was so good.
Since leaving the corporate world just about 4-years ago. I cant say, I’ve felt comfortable for any stretch of time. I am drawn to work that challenges me. I am drawn to puzzles that other people throw their hands up at. I am drawn to tough conversations, to not leaving the table till what needs to be said, is said. To celebrating the heck out individuals, and teams. I can no longer work in environments that don’t challenge me on a soul level. I have moved across the world, then across the country.
just yesterday I heard of a mentor of mine from my non-profit days, passing away of cancer. He was in his 40’s. I’ve had some phenomenal bosses, but this guy, oh man. Tall, 6 foot 5, brown hair, bright blue eyes, always giving the kind of hugs that just anchored you. working with mentally ill teenagers required empathy, action, and a sense of humor, you had to be able to laugh. or else, you’d just give up, it was too hard, and too dark. I remember him walking down the hallways, with such kindness and confidence. I remember him staying as late as anyone needed in the day to process a kid who confessed a serious trauma or thoughts of suicide. He brought such such lightness to us. He gave the most thoughtful gifts, I sitll have them all, my favorite is a batman and robin set he gave me, to represent the strength of my work partner Juan and I. They’re in my living room now. I just remember the deep admiration I had for a man making such a difference, always. It’s like he never wasted a single moment.
I’ve worked among some truly magnificent leaders who have shown me, there’s just no time to be anything less than extraordinary. No time.
I deeply crave making a difference.
I deeply crave abundance and plenty. I want to take care of the people around me.
From the outside it might look like I am never satisfied. And that’s true.
But truly, Iook at awe and wonder at those who punch in and out, and are happy. It’s just. not. me.
I also had to take a good hard look at how much I’ve invested into my career as of late, giving it my complete all, and how very little I’ve invested in my personal life. No dates. Not even bad ones. In many ways, to be honest, I feel like I screwed that one up beyond current repair, so I focus on what I can move forward in.
I hear again and again, how wonderful I am. What an asset I am. How this, and how that. And I hear again and again, how there’s just not space for me…yet.
As someone on the outside always trying to find my way in, who would spend hours as a kid just walking around the neighborhood far after my dog wanted to keep walking, to get sneak peeks into peoples dinner tables, and living rooms, garages with kids scrambling out of mini-vans, families. I would stare vacantly, wondering how did everyone else get it figured out, how did all those people end up at the table together. I still do that now. I am fascinated by how people come together. I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. I spend a lot of time on the outside, saying no to invitations. I am better at this, but it’s for sure still a thing for me.
Fact? I was beat-out today by someone who has an amazing reputation and far more experience than me.
Emotion? This feels shitty.
I talked to everyone I needed to today. My best friends, who I can fully admit that I am currently sitting on a dog bed, crying. To hear what I needed to. And to let that be it.
I saw this the other day, and it truly stopped me in my tracks.
‘I am scared of dying with the gift still in my hands’
It’s time for me to stop looking in one place, person, or thing for me to feel like I have something to offer. To look for the magic in every single moment. I’d imagine we all do this in some form….some of us, we don’t even know what our gift is anymore. I can forget easily, when I tie it with so many knots, and then I give up, because it’s too hard to untangle.
What I know is, tomorrow is new. And there’s something here for me to breakthrough on.