I did something this morning that really, you should never do. I looked at my ex boyfriends facebook page.
and I wasnt even drunk.
Today has been a contemplative day.
I haven’t wrote to you all in a while. There is so much to share…the drive across the country, the things that you see when you cross over from one side of the country to the other, the shift of flat lands to mountains, the quote that kept running across my mind as I saw the most beautiful scenery like the mountains in Colorado ‘we have been in love with god for so very very long’ rumi. If you are ever unsure if God exists, drive across the country.
You all have made comments of my adventurous spirit…and you are right, after seeing the country as you move through it, that has only grown deeper.
I’ve been in California now for just about 2-weeks. Here’s what I can share, the team that I have joined at Zuda is an inspiring, powerful team, they have welcomed me in, and in many ways, it feels as though I have always been here. They are my kind of people, dynamic, open, bright and hilarious (you know I cant tolerate un-funny people)
I think many of you know this but my sister lives here, we now live about 30 minutes away. My sister can be explained best in one word: beautiful. She’s a beautiful sister, momma, wife, teacher…we are only 2-years apart, but I look at her sometimes and I think damn, she really figured this being a grown-up thing. After my first day at work, I drove over to her house and ate spaghetti with the kids. It’s something I had wished for all the time back in NY. I looked around and smiled, twirling noodles around my fork, eating off a hot-pink plastic dish. 5 star? Absolutely.
I stayed with my buddy Danielle for the first few days, she very graciously carved me out a nook in her living room, decorated with home-made signs welcoming me to Cali. After sleeping on a half inflated air mattress (pump debocles) I said F it, and camped on the floor. My sister gave me this sleeping pad thing she uses when they camp exclaiming ‘you cant even TELL you are on the floor, it’s AMAZING’ …. maybe that’s the romance of camping speaking, cause after one night on that thing, I was not confused at all: I was sleeping on the floor.
Mid-week I found out I got the apartment I had applied for, and the feeling of relief I could feel in my entire body. I have been schlepping around the same 2-suitcases for almost 8 months and the idea of unpacking just sounded heavenly. My suitcases and I moved into my new apartment and right away I hung a picture on the wall, it was the first thing I did.
It’s this frame that holds 2-pictures, and both pictures are from my first trip to Maya Tulum Mexico with my yoga family at Breathe in 2008. I love this frame so much because it has my most favorite things in it: the ocean, a bonfire, a sunrise, my friends, yoga.
I have often thought that when I go to publish my first book that I just may call it ‘the things we put in frames’ another title that has been strumming across my mind after all the traveling I’ve done this year is ‘dreaming of flying while sleeping on airplanes’ I find it truly fascinating to see what people find important enough to honor in picture frames. When I was waiting to hear about my apartment, I could not shake the longing of wanting to hang my pictures on the wall…it had been so long.
Moose and I set up our campsite in the living room where we’ve been for the past 10 days, and then last night something magical happened, I slept in a bed. I am housesitting right now and I got into bed at 813 pm with a giant bowl of ice cream and a huge smile, I went to bed at 9pm. My moving POD also showed up today so I can begin to unpack my apartment with the things I fit in the 5 by 8 box including a bed and table.
I should have never checked his FB page….we know these things going in, we know when bad ideas are bad ideas intuitively, and yet I did it anyway. When we broke up, he said to me ‘you will never be able to love me the way that I love you, and I just cant keep holding on and pretending that that is going to change’ he was right. The way he loved me, alarmed me, it was too deep, too full, and I spent so much of our relationship wondering when it would fall apart. When you spend more time wondering how and when things will fall apart then you do about how beautiful they are….they will indeed, break.
I’ll say this…that was almost 3-years ago, and what I have learned about love since then will never again have be believing that I may not be worth it, or that it, the art of falling IN love is not worth it, I have completely retired that story from the rotation. As happy as I am now in my life and in my own body and choices, it feels weird to look at someone you used to love on the beach in tulum mexico (yes really) completely in love with someone else…that could have been me if I let it, I accused myself. I could be living in a house, and going on vacations, on some type of structured career path.
A teacher shared this with me before ‘comparison is a thief’ and all day long today I’ve been wondering, at times, i’ve been regretting, I’ve been thinking out loud…have I done enough? All day long I’ve been allowing myself to get robbed, I’ve downright invited the thieves in through the front door, offered them a cup of coffee, and shown them where I keep the gold.
Yep, that little MF-er of a sentence ‘have I done enough’ found it’s way into my day. So as many of you have expressed your delight in knowing tonight, I am going on a date. I woke up the other morning to a cute little hand-written note taped to my door from my neighbor about how we should go out sometime since I am ‘super cute’ and let me tell ya, hearing that I am super cute on a handwritten note feels good. I’m serious people, write notes, it’s romantic, and you’ll make someones day.
So after a few messages back and forth, turns out this adorable suitor is a few years younger….um 8 years. But I’m not going to get in some weird thing around it (that was what yesterday was for ; ) and instead I’m going to go have drinks with a hunk tonight.
What I found through today, the relief of finally having my ‘stuff’ here actually feels unsettling. I’ve gotten quite used to living out of 2-bags, sleeping on the floor, and not knowing what adventure is headed my way next. And now. Now I have signed a lease. Now I have paid a good chunk of change to have my things sent and drove here…across the whole country. Now I have received a paycheck and will continue to…every 2 weeks. I’ll make new friends. I’ll find a new favorite coffee shop. I wont need my GPS.
My work now is to let myself carve out a home. Let this amazing community around me, become my own. Unpack my bags and hang up my pictures. Go on dates and fall in love. Work my ass off for a team I respect and care for. Eat spaghetti with my niece and nephew. Stop wondering if I had made this choice or that choice would I be 31-years old sleeping on the floor, single with a dog? And instead tell the bad-ass version of how before this I lived in Kenya, the adventure of a lifetime, and before that I left a lucrative career to try my hand at opening a business and leading a team. Have I failed? YES. I am the first to say that in all of this….in the whole of my 31-years I have fallen more than I have stood. But as it is said, ‘fall seven times….get up eight’ and that’s a strength of mine, I have never been afraid of adventure, ever, and now I have come to find I thrive in it, it has become me.
I wonder about my life unfolding and what will come to hang in the picture frames of my life…a sweet little baby one day, my furry baby of course, partnership, the oceans and mountains and of course my always inspired pursuit of the sunrise that I will rise out of bed for 365 days of the year.
It’s time to wake up. See the sunrise. Where I am? I’ve been asking for this exactly.
California. It’s nice to meet you. My wish? Magic in everyday.
For everyone who has been following along on my journey, I can feel you with me. You are on my spiritual bus, and I do believe….we are living our newest adventure.