I believe that a woman falling in love is perhaps, one of the most beautiful sights to see. And a woman in love, well she, she is just magnificent.
There was a day last spring, in the full-on wild and wonder of falling in love and I kid you not, there was a day where these three things happened…
1) I went to buy an abusurdly expensive jar of saracha pickles at whole foods. The cashier smiles at me and says ‘enjoy…today, these are free for you.’
2) Walking to yoga later that evening, a handsome man pulls his car over and says to me ‘Excuse me, I’ll regret not saying this, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, you must be married right?’ and I said, with a giant smile ‘I’m not married, but I have an amazing boyfriend’ He shook his head and smiled, and said ‘I hope it lasts forever sweetheart, but if it doesn’t you should call me’ winks, and drives away.
3) Walking home from yoga I hit up the neighborhood chipotle (sometimes the only thing that gets me through class) and I go to pay, ‘managers comp.’ he says, and smiles at me. ‘this ones on me.’
All in one day.
When a woman falls in love, the world falls in love with the woman. It’s just so.
When I was in my 20’s I got set up ALL THE TIME. I was working as a pharmaceutical sales rep at the time, and I didn’t go to bed at 930 at night, and I had a handful of amazing girlfriends, and my god, did we have fun. I dated some major hunks, got into a few serious relationships, broke a few hearts, but didn’t get my heart broken until I was 28…when the guy I was dating at the time he said to me ‘you just wont let me love you…why wont you let me love you, I cant do this anymore’ he left, slowly, he didn’t slam the door, he barely made a sound, I remember pouring a glass of wine and sitting on my front porch for hours by myself. I remember thinking to myself, I could go get him back, I could make this right, but instead, I poured another glass of wine, and opened the screen door for fresh air.
It lingers like the words we said to each other sitting on my kitchen floor. and I can remember where I exactly standing when my heart broke twice. Once at my house in NY, and once in my kitchen in California. I can remember the weather on both days. On both days it was warmer outside than usual. On both days I stared for a while at my front door and didn’t move.
And I can remember feeling so tired. Like I could sleep through the winter, tired. And both times, I wished for a winter that didn’t come. Because winter doesn’t come in the summer or fall. And that is just so.
That I didn’t want to love someone forever in my 20’s wasn’t so weird…and slowly, everyone got married…and now, my fridge, which was once covered in all save-the-dates is now adorned with the cutest babies in the world…most of these babies I haven’t even met yet, they live with my best friends, who all live in NY, so many of these babies brand new this past year. I drink my morning coffee, and I smile back at these sweet little babes.
All my cards come addressed to both me and Moose. I am 32-years old, and my plus one is my 25-lb dog named Moose. Some days, this is hilarious, other days, I think to myself. Oh no. This is bad. I have sat at both children’s tables and with the band at weddings before. Both great experiences : ) I mean, it’s not everyday you get to say ‘I’m with the band’
Often, people ask me, gosh, what is it like to live my life. Like all this adventure, and places I go, and things that I do, and crazy wild love…what is it like? They share with me I’m brave and courageous, and how I do the things they would NEVER do. And they say never in a way where their eyes get big, and then there’s this pause, that I haven’t gotten used to yet. If the pause goes too long, they’ll offer again ‘like NEVER’ even bigger eyes. Often times a hand gesture (hand wave-side to side)
And I’ll often answer, and say what my friend shared is a good thing to say when someone’s complimenting you which is ‘thank you. that feels nice’ I share that adventure is for everyone, and that the world is big, I’ll share I have no regrets, which sure is true, but oh my if it doesn’t defeat me sometimes.
Not all the time, but some of the time, I feel a bit sad at the choices I’ve made. I had many major frying pan upside the head moments last month in Level 3. But I remember one evening, sitting in session, and Baron said, when you choose something, you choose it for all it is…and you choose it for all that it’s not.
One more time. When I (let me land this and get personal) when I choose something, I choose it for all that it is, and all that it is not.
Swap out something for (him, her, this, career, class, zip code, etc). Are you getting this? So we look at the state of affairs and we can so clearly see what is not…but we have forgotten we have chosen.
I’ve always thought of the 1 dimension of choice. I get the power of choice. But to also consider that you are choosing x y z for all that it is NOT as well. Man.
3-days ago. The inevitable happened.
Someone’s gotta move on right? Well, he has.
I remember hearing about her in October, but I’m not the kind of girlfriend that ever cares if you have girlfriends. I’d rather you did have a whole full life of awesome people. Of all my ‘things’ I have…jealousy is not one of them. I remember hearing her name, and how cool his group of friends thought she was, and how best of all, she LOVES to ride bikes.
(cue insecurity) Paul loves riding bicycles more than anything…he loves bikes the way I love yoga, so I always felt a little bit bad that the extent of my bike riding, generally speaking, is to the bars in the summertime.
And so of course, there they are, on his birthday, riding around some beautiful place, taking a selfie, talking about how great the day is. And I take a look at this picture and I know. He’s moved on. I looked at the way they are hugging each other, where each of their hands were, and this was not a hug among friends. It looked a lot like us when were falling in love, and its funny how falling in love is universally recognizable.
Of course I have to take a look at a few more pictures. And yes…yes he has. Wait, just one more look…okay, yep, no, this is really real…this is his new girlfriend.
I did the thing you do when you scan into a picture real close, and saw how happy they look. And how if I was a cashier at whole foods I’d probably give them some free pickles too.
And then I didn’t want to give anyone, anything, but a bad attitude really.
And then I got pissed.
It hasn’t been that long. So then I went into my head, my crazy f-ing head, about all the possible scenarios, and though not in a gazillion years would I ever think paul would cheat on me…when I said the words ‘lets break up’ – about 8 minutes later, he walked out the door. And I cant help but to wonder…how long was it till he called her.
I reached out to a few of my favorite people that afternoon, which is progress for me, normally, I’d just stick it out alone. And I heard back everything I needed to hear back. I laughed. I cried. And I went to work.
And so one day later. I de-friended Paul. I hovered over the button for a while trying to figure it out. I drank some coffee and cleaned my kitchen. I took down the pictures of us on the fridge, suddenly ashamed that I hadn’t yet. And here’s what I know, seeing the man I loved fall in love again feels bad, so I decided that I didn’t want to feel bad.
Ignorance is bliss right?
I wrote up to this point on Saturday night….and yesterday I decided I was going to the ocean. We would go all the time, me and him, and I never needed to know where he was going, cause I was new, and he wasn’t.
But on Sunday I woke up and decided that I was waiting around, and that was bullshit, so friggin facebook again (blessing and a curse), I put the call out there, and in no time, I was off to the ocean with my friend, Pasha.
I am so used to doing everything alone, that it felt really freeing not to. And to not be alone, frankly, all you have to do is ask.
The ocean is giant-sized and blue and unpredictable, I understand the ocean.
I have a home in Rochester that I rent out. A sweet little 1000 square foot home, with a front porch for wine drinking, and a back porch for bbq’s. There’s a rose bush in the front, and a bathtub upstairs for baths. It’s smack dab in the middle of all my friends, and it’s close to all those little babies to which I am ‘Auntie Fry.’
And yet, I feel more at home either on the road, exploring a new community, or in this one bedroom apartment….but I miss that home. And I miss my friends.
Adventure continues for me. Because I continue to seek.
This year, I have this strong feeling, will take me international…first to the coast…then outside. I have a strength in discovery, as long as I remain unafraid.
I want very much to fall in love this year. And to stay in love. I want to meet the person with whom I’ll create a home, and who will be addressed on the cards with me and moose. Lyndsey, Moose, and AWESOME PERSON TBD. I want to spend lazy Sundays with the new york times and lots of making out and bacon and eggs.
And so what I’m doing right now. Like literally in this moment, is reshaping what that can look like. Lifting off the restrictions that if it doesn’t look like this…well then it must be wrong.
That someone out there wants to travel too, see the world, take a Christmas card with a dog named moose…I know.