Maybe if I open the window.
Maybe this pillow.
Maybe if Moose was at the foot of the bed and not right next to me snoring his little heart out.
I could sleep.
I’ve been back in the states now for just over one week. It’s been a lot of hugs this week, a lot of full on run across the rooms hugs. It’s been a lot of quality time with my pup, lots of walks, lots of talks me and him. It’s been a lot of time on my yoga mat. It’s been the anticipation, the being with, and the after of the storm that hit this week in NY. It’s been staying out of suitcases, in a room, in a very comfortable house with my best friends. It’s been seeing what’s on TV for the first time in 5 months, catching up on the music I missed, it’s been many cups of coffee, many plans to see people…soon, and see others now…it’s been a reminder that enough is plenty. By way of conversations, my attempts to answer, my teaching yoga again….to share with you enough of what happened, how could you see what I saw, how could I share that to be enough. I’m trying.
It’s what this week back seems to be asking me. All one-eyebrow raised, hand on hip, amused smile kind of week. Prove it, show me, this week wants to know: that all the beautiful things you learned in Kenya were enough. And that you (me, as this is my inner dialogue) are enough.
I came back for a job I felt quite certain was going to happen, it just felt right, every corner of it felt like this is what’s next: It wasn’t. It did not move forward, but of course I still do. Kenya taught me movement. Learning: Above all: keep moving.
I came back to the temporary housing of my dear best friend, her husband who’s like a brother to me, and their dog, who my dog absolutely adores. It could not have been a more perfect place for me to touch down. I knew where I was going next for November: to a friends big house, where I’d have quite a bit of space just for me, and it would be comfortable. But then their big-ass dog attacked Moose. Jumped right on him and tried to eat him like a snack. All is well. The dog got pulled off. She’s a nice dog. Just not nice to mine. But so that was clear….we couldn’t live there. So I asked facebook, dear facebook, we need a place to live. So we got one, many places actually. Learning. When you need something believe you will receive it. Believe that people want you around. And maybe, just maybe you’ll end up in the burbs with your friends Italian Momma discussing world events at the kitchen table…you’ll be handed a key, and you’ll know you are okay.
I came back to teach yoga at a place where I have found my voice, the ground, and my very best friends: Breathe. I came back to teach the classes I had left behind for this adventure. But when asked, if I could understand that since I am not sure what is next in my life, could I believe that keeping the amazing teachers that stepped into those roles, how powerful it was to keep them in those roles. And I can. And I think of all of those who have done the same for me…who have stepped from so that I could step in…and so just like that, I let go of ‘time-slots’ on the schedule that had come to define me, a certain amount I knew I would make, and just like that: gone. Learning: non-attachment.
Fact. I am making about a hundred dollars a week. A year ago, this would have scared the crap out of me. But you know what I did today? I bought the good yogurt, not the weird store brand one I always regret buying. Two days ago I bought shampoo, a fancy kind, and I stood in the shower for a long ass time, lathering and repeating. It felt awesome. I have always made money to have experiences, get me to the beach, a surf board, a yoga retreat, KENYA, let me see the world, so that I can share the world: and it will always be reason enough. I trust fully that it will all work out, because it always has, without exception. I am THROUGH living in fear, cause it really does create more fear, when I make my decisions from here, even my yogurt purchases, I am playing small. I cannot live from that place of less-than, it’s depleting. Learning: I might be 4 foot 11, but I have decided: I am a giant.
And now I know even more what I am good at. And what I’m not good at : ) And what moves me. And I know now that I am okay, and with these amazing people around me, I’m never going hungry, I’m never going homeless, I am loved beyond measure and I am totally with that plan now. Learning: after so many months of being away what you need more than anything are people believing in you, and the currency exchange there is you believing in them. Now that is powerful stuff.
Plus. I’ve been back for just one week. Maybe a nap is okay. Can I be as kind to myself as I am to everyone else? I’m trying. I’ll look forward to the day when things are a little more predictable….maybe…
I’m not sure yet.
I’m ready for what is next. I AM. What does that look like? Stay tuned.
I also want to share much more about the beautiful experience I had, as well as coming back. When It’s not 4 in the morning, I’ll be sure to try. Thank you to everyone who has made so many places feel like home. The conversations, the offerings, the openings, all of it. THANK YOU.
Learning: I have grown.