Notice who you are becoming.
She said it in class, my teacher, and then, I said it out loud. And I said it, as I looked at myself. Naked. As I walked Moose to the park at 6am, slow. As I lost my shit, over the phone, when I didn’t get my way, I yelled at the man (who needed to know my mom’s, best-friends, birthday, and what the first name of my child-hood dog) to reset my password. I yelled at the man, and it’s all he’ll ever know of our call, because, I’ll never talk to him again. And who I was becoming in that moment, is the example for him, that he is the man who people yell at. I wish I hadn’t yelled, and that he would know about himself, that he is a man, doing the best he can.
I noticed who I was becoming, last weekend, as I sat around a square table, with 12 of my friends I love dearly. I heard everything, and nothing, and I saw the ocean move. I saw the ocean move, and I saw the sky change colors. So. Many. Times. I wondered did it always do this? Was it always this magnificent? And I wondered for a life that feels less and less like someone else’s dream. No other shoe to drop, when you don’t really care for shoes. And anyway. I lifted my glass for more red wine. I softened my gaze, because this moment called for me, to ease in. To a place I am learning to ease into, family. I rested my feet on my sweet friend Patrick, and we went around the table and shared what we were grateful for.
I cried, and I softened, and I noticed who I was becoming as I watched each person share, and I saw myself as they shared, so sweet and kind, and I heard my name tumble out of the mouths of this family of mine. And oh, if it doesn’t break me. And in the best way possible, in the most loving of tables, I come open, and broken again and again, and I am becoming someone who understands that I have a place at the table.
This week, I noticed who I was becoming as my things went into boxes. My life, in 17 boxes. Who I had become in the past-2 years at this one address. Which is longer than any address I have had since I was 18, when I left and did not come back. I’m 33 now. And I have moved every year, for the past 15. I have left, and have not come back, far more than I have ever stayed. I noticed who I was becoming in that, and I did not want to be that. Anymore. And this move, it feels different.
And this kitchen.
Was built for me, to dream.
And this old house. With these beautiful old wood floors. Is exactly the history I was craving to walk on. I already feel home.
3-weeks into my new job, I noticed who I was becoming, when everyday I feel like I am not enough. Like this will go away. Like someone will realize, oh she’s the broken one, and I will walk away slowly, because when you walk quickly, people think there’s something wrong. And I don’t ever want anyone trying to fix me. Please don’t waste your time. But then, I notice who I am becoming in that moment, and remember that I have a choice to love.
So I choose that.
And I choose it again.
And it’s a hard place to know you are living somewhere in the middle, and you are uncomfortable, and exposed. And you are running, running, and you are working towards a day when you catch a little down-hill, a little free-fall, a little slow-dance, right in the middle of it all.
For 3-weeks I have spent more time behind a screen than I have all year, and I don’t like who I am becoming. When a day goes by, and I haven’t seen anyone. I miss seeing the looks on people’s faces, and I miss hitting the ground with laughter, I miss touching your shoulder when we talk, and big hugs, I miss feeling like I am contributing to something I am strong at, I miss working through things over cups of coffee, and hot sweaty yoga classes. I am tested to remember I am not alone. I am asked to keep trying. I am given so much love. Some days are great. And some days suck. My self-expression is not here. In moments, while I learn. Like the beginning of any relationship worth being in. I notice who I am becoming in a place where I am not already good
…but mostly, what keeps me up at night, is I just want to do a good job to keep lifting those around me. It’s what I do best. It is my favorite thing to do, to see others fly.
For 3-weeks I have felt joy like I have never felt before. Because, that’s the sweetness that will come, when you say yes to big experiences. Raw, pure, distant, and close. And I am aware to pause, to see who I am becoming to feel joy like that. And how worth it is to have something that keeps you up at night. When you could be dreaming. You are awake.
When I could be dreaming. I am awake.
I am becoming someone I am proud to be.
I am becoming someone who continues to gain experiences that only come by asking, and being so willing to put it on the line.
I am raising my bar.
I am on my knees. In awe. In gratitude. In wonder.
I am 3-days into a new place to call home, and I have not run from anything. I am 3-weeks into a new job, and I have not run from anything. I am 33-years into my life, and who I am becoming.
Is built in this day, and yesterday, and tomorrow. But mostly. This moment.
I’m starting to get it.
Thankful for each of you reading.
Enjoy the time around the table today and always.
Notice who you are becoming.