How to lose your shit, your mind, and even your
instagram account in just 7-days!
(special today, act now)
Just when I thought I was starting to find my groove.
I fell, hard.
I’m just coming out of a 7-day slow motion fall (that really is more accurately a 7-month fall…um, 7-year fall) you get the idea. But for the purposes of this blog, we’ll go back 7-days.
When I fall, it’s never quick.
When I cry, it’s always noticeable. My nearest and dearest all have fond memories (notice I said memorieS, not memory) of the ugliest crier they have ever seen (me) I stretch out my vowels, I don’t listen, I put Kleenex in my nostrils and leave them there. I wail. I hit things. I sit in dog beds, and I go to bed at 7pm. I almost always do this alone. I sob from the place in your low belly, where my 4th grade music teacher told us to sing from, and then promptly told us to stop, when realizing a dozen 8-year olds singing swing low sweet chariot, as alto’s, from our bellies, was running the risk of being offensive.
When I go down the rabbit hole, I don’t just pack snacks, I pack meals, I put my headlamp on. I write goodbye letters, and I go.
When I fall, I like to stay on the ground for a while: 1) for drama and 2) cause I’m afraid of what will happen when I get back up.
Here’s what happened in the past 7-days.
- Family stuff. Of which I cant write about, it’s not my story to tell. But family, and blood, life and on my end: panic. Immobilization. Time-traveling back, to a time I felt completely unsafe. Wanting to protect everyone. Making choices from a place of total fear and reaction. Ps. Everyone is going to be okay.
- A road trip that turned into a flight, when I realized I could not manage the trip in the state I was in.
- A flight turned into a cancellation (by me) from said panic and fear.
- A new flight entirely after snapping out of it.
- 4 rental car reservations (for various reasons). All ultimately cancelled.
- A spiritual uber ride to the airport that got me completely back in the game.
- 5-hour flight delay turned cancelation (from the airline) and realizing that I was out of options, and out of time.
- A cab ride back home (picture the crying scene above, but add about 2-weeks of not sleeping more than 4-hours, overheating from wearing multiple layers as a strategy, to not waste any time when hitting the ground in Colorado, general level of panic and anxiety, a deep sense of shame, sadness, and regret) and you got yourself one hell of a cab ride back. Lets put it like this. The cab ride was 50 bucks, I gave him 75. No one should have to ride in a car with a stranger like that.
- A sleepless weekend, waking up every few hours to either a) clean b) cry c) clean and cry d) shower (my go-to for everything).
- The accidental deletion of my instagram account forever (RIP moosefryer). (more on this in a few).
- an impromptu pool party with my favorite 3-year olds.
- a back-yard sesh with my favorite family, cold beers, spontaneous crying and laughing on the bathroom floor with one of my bests.
- my first operating room experience for my new job, bright and early Monday morning.
- Orange is the new black, season 3.
- Lots of yoga.
- Forgiveness (kinda) but I’m trying.
You guys know about my friend Jacki, cause I talk about her all the time. If there is one person who has shown up for me again and again and again….it’s Jacks. Since we met in a stairwell in Vancouver at a lululemon conference 4-years ago, we’ve been friends ever since. Real-talk, real-deal, real-love, friends.
She’s at the source of so many of my amazing connections, friendships, best friends, job interviews, wake-up calls…she believes in me more than anyone.
I missed her wedding.
I’ve been looking forward to this wedding since the invite came months ago, and went right up on my fridge next to homemade birthday cards, and handwritten notes. And right up to this time last week when my bags were packed, itinerary’s printed, flannels and back up flannels, ready.
My favorite people would be at this wedding.
And new favorite people I never met would be at this wedding.
And most important, I’d witness my sweet, beautiful, bold, courageous friend, marry her love.
Riding home in the cab, I stared out the window, snot just all up in my face, I was not going to be there.
I could not show up.
I could not be there for the person who has been there for me without exception and question, since the moment I met her.
I was out of options.
I put my bags down, took a shower, and got in bed. Not even Moose was there, cause he was of course hanging with his people since I was going to be gone for the weekend.
I was out of options, and so alone that it hurt. Physically hurt. I wrapped myself into a little ball. Took a Xanax, and tried to forget.
I tried to forget about how I didn’t show up.
And all the other times in life, I didn’t show up.
I thought of everyone I was letting down.
And all the other times in life, I’ve let people down.
I thought about how I was so so tired, how tired I’ve been, and I wondered when I wouldn’t feel like this anymore.
I thought about how all I wanted was to be among my very people, with the biggest hearts, around a fire, in a flannel, feeling so loved, so seen, so a part of.
I curled myself into a tinier ball, and tried so so hard to condense this feeling of lonely into a space I could manage, but it filled my whole room, and my whole house, and spilled out into the backyard….where I stood, I made my way out the door, hazy just before 5am, in my bare feet and all my regrets. Something about this weekend, was bringing up absolutely everything for me.
It was just about dawn, and I decided to just stay awake. Those early early morning hours are my favorite time of day, and they were bringing me comfort.
The combination of all of this, family crisis, new jobs, old jobs, new friends, old friends…it was too much.
I was losing everything important to me. Everyone important to me. It’s the only conclusion I could draw.
I don’t know how to tell you this, in a way I can portray accurately cause I am just now coming on the other side of it.
But what I knew to be true from this weekend, a lifetime of these beliefs:
Everyone who is important, leaves.
I am emotional and selfish.
I do not deserve all the important people and experiences in my life.
And what did it matter anyway, they were gone.
I blew it.
I’m better alone.
This is why I’m alone.
What I’ve done is unforgivable.
Anything happening is a series of 1 or 2 would have been manageable, I would have dusted myself off, and kept it moving. But I could not move up and through the combination of it all, and the damning conclusion. Here’s the fact, the plane didn’t take off. But if I let my life be a series of ‘well the plane couldn’t take off’ I’d be somewhere sitting on some damn plane, waiting and willing. Which I decided years ago, was no way to live a life. I was angry at myself for not having a solution and for not showing up for someone who has shown up for me.
You are alone. Again. And that’s what you deserve. Played on loop.
It’s different for all of us of course, whatever that gavel is that hits the courtroom, the sentence that is delivered to us in a room full of spectators nodding their heads in agreement, some, in anger.
Yesterday, I started coming out of this cloud a little bit.
The courtroom noise got quieter. The gavel was not as loud and heavy.
I slept 8 hours last night for the first time in a long long time.
On Sunday night, I asked my friend to change my social media passwords for me, she is a wonderful sweet friend, who has done this for me before. I only do this when I really reaaaaallly need to hunker down and not look outwards. Also, when she sends me my new loggin, it makes me smile. It’s always wonderful.
Communication breakdown led to deactivation (on facebook, no biggie, you just pop that back up) on instagram….yeah…it’s just gone. Like gone gone. Like fort knox, you can write to instagram all you want. GONE.
Meanwhile, I have just started to come up for air from the waves of ‘everything and everyone important leaves’ and then, this 3-year chronicle of my life…like it wasn’t ever there.
Which of COURSE its there, right? Like moose is still here. The ocean is still here. The sweet babies, well, their bigger now…but still there. My passport is still stamped. 3-years, 600 or so photos/moments, all laid out so nicely in squares…poof. Gone.
After a few hours of realizing what’s done is done.
I had to smile.
In all my fear of losing everyone important and believing I don’t deserve it anyone, I lost my cherry picked chronicle of what is you know…important. (the stuff in the squares).
And yes. I wish it was back.
And maybe someone from instagram will write to me, and say Lyndsey, your dog Moose sure is cute, ridiculously cute, and wow, it looks like you’ve really taken some adventures these past few years, and holy moley you have the cutest babies in your life, and your best friends are TOTAL BABES, and oh man, that beer looks good, but not as good as that coffee, and oh, there you go to the ocean again, looks like there was a guy with a beard here you loved 2 years ago, what happened to him? Oh look at these beautiful friends of yours, you look like you’re coming free…Lyndsey, we’ll go ahead and give you all this back.
Or. I could just realize that I never actually lost it.
And that planes done leave the ground. Sometimes. And it was our best effort.
That families go through crisis, and through to the other side.
That new jobs are a time to thrive and kick-ass.
That old jobs taught us how to be strong now.
That you don’t just lose people in a snap.
That my strong vision for the future, of a studio, and a coaching business, and a farm table full of strong, beautiful, powerful woman is what I am working my ass off for right now. That I have the job, that will get me exactly there. And I cannot partially commit to this job, like I have to everything else. I cannot. I am not good enough at it yet, where that will work. For the next few years: I’ll be hauling ass.
That sometimes, despite every desire to fix, and change….you cant.
And in these moments, pray for what it is for you. For me it’s 5am mornings on my back deck that I love, invites to dinner tables sharing forks with 2-year olds that hold your hand, a job where I’m now on the road and can ‘swing by’ the ocean on the way home.
That I am not alone.
Not even close.
That I am forgivable, and loveable, and a part of.
What I don’t need from you after reading this, is to tell me any of the above. I appreciate that, AND you, but I got it. I had to get there. I couldn’t stay lonely like that. What I DO need from you, is for you to go to whatever your ‘5am back deck is’ and ask yourself what are the terrible things you say to yourself, in your lonliest, most desperate moments.
Say them, feel where they land in your body.
Say them again, are they still in your body?
Say them again and again and again, and AGAIN, till they lose their charge.
Till you know their not true.
Chase them out of your room, wave a broom in the air for goodness sakes, I don’t care how crazy it looks or feels, meet your fear where it lives and tell the many version of how and where it lives, to hit the road.
Make new memories…some may fit into squares.
But the best ones never will.
Go now you are forgiven….go now you are forgiven…go now you are forgiven. Go.