I have learned….no wait, confirmed something these past few weeks of my life. When the going gets tough, the tough gets cheese wiz. Cheese wiz? You mean that stuff from the 80’s, sometimes out of a can, sometimes in a jar, with the ability to be left out for days and face no structural changes outside of a thin film that forms over the top that can easily be stirred and therefore indistinguishable and appropriate for further dipping-whiz? Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.
Now a few things to point out here. Generally speaking, when a food end’s in a z. It’s not really food. Let me get more specific, when a letter in a food that we know well, is swapped out with a z, it is no longer food. Example, cheeZe whiz, cheeZe-it’s, bagel-bitZ…etc etc. I think swapping out a letter is the work-around for taking what once was, and creating it into something entirely different, and getting a pass from the FDA.
I have had this sense of urgency the past few weeks that I better eat everything I feel like eating just in case it’s “not in Africa.” Now mind you, processed cheese, frosting in a can, and popsicles are not something in my everyday diet….just my emergency diet. Outside of the coffee I consume each morning that could very well kill a small horse, I tend to eat pretty healthy. Again, just not in what I consider my state of emergency.
A few large discovery’s have been made however in the past few weeks with my recent behavior 1) fluffernutter? Though I cant prove it, I believe it is created by combining vanilla frosting and peanut butter (if you are visualizing how I might know this to be true, you are probably right). 2) you can dip lots of things into cheeze whiz. Do not feel limited to just tortilla chips. Also available are the final bite of the sandwich you are eating. goldfish crackers. and apples (healthy). 3) you will be bloated and filled with regret if you do any of these things.
A few larger discovery’s have been made as well: I need to knock it off. It’s this weird combination of pure guilt, and pure glee whenever I go into emergency eating mode. Guilt in that “holy-shit-I-am-a-30-year-old-woman-about-to-dip-my-sandwhich-into-a-bowl-of-cheese-this-is-terrible” with the glee of “holy-shit-I-am-a-30-year-old-woman-about-to-dip-my-sandwhich-into-a-bowl-of-cheese!!!!!!” so you see, it’s a problem.
What am I going to do about it? I am a) not going to create a chute from the crumbs in the corner of the tortilla chip bag to my mouth (because I already did that an hour ago) what I am going to do/did however is gently place the rest of the things in the garbage, and then take the garbage out to the curb, and drink a gallon of water which I am currently in the process of doing.
I am also not going to beat myself up. And I might even put my bathing suit on later and lay in my backyard. These past few days have been very up and down. Today anyway, I can see that what I’ve been doing has been kinda hilarious and ill-strategized, and I have clarity around that. Yet yesterday, not feeling at all hilarious, had you tried to pry to jar of frosting out of my pudgy, bloated fingers I would have given you such a look, that not only would have handed me back the jar, you would have backed away nervously, only to return 15 minutes later with 2 new jars as if to say “are we cool again?” Cause you see, 9.6/10 of us are enablers, and the .4 rest of us have our Ph.D’s I have lost many of the strategies I have learned in my life around say eating, as well as time management. I have gone to target I believe 7-times this week but I continue to purchase additional supplies of tampons and anti-diareahal medicine, yet I have yet to remember toothpaste. And yes. I have a list.
I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night and worrying, how will I drink the coffee in Kenya if I cant drink the water? and truly contemplate at 3am sending Paige an email about this and marking it urgent. I manage to wait till morning and send a dear old friend who was in Kenya on a safari that text, and she reply’s “you’re fine. the water is heated. now knock it off.” Truth is, I should be thinking about how I need to remember to take my Malaria pills starting this Sunday….but instead I keep playing this montage in my head of what it’s going to be like when I have to say goodbye to Moose on Tuesday. So then I just hug him. And we lay on the ground. And from the ground I can see that I dropped a little cheese sauce on the ground….and it begins all freaking over again. (and no I do not mean I eat cheese sauce of the ground, I mean I start thinking about cheese).
And lastly, everyone keeps asking if I am going to have a goodbye party. And I just didnt want one. I dont like the idea of them. I will though have a hello party when I return. Seems more natural to me. I am however going to blow it out in a final benefit class on Monday night (the 18th) at 730 pm which I’d love for you all to join me for. It’s at our downtown location, and it’s my way of saying goodbye. It’s donation class for off-the-mat, and it seems to be the coolest way for me to say so-long, by keeping the flow of things moving forward.
When I’m not being crazy: I am so freaking excited about this adventure that is happening in mere days. It feels like I’ve been just peeking over the edge of a cliff for a while, and now I cant wait to jump and feel the air all around me rush over me and wash through me.
I also want to say thank you to the response you have all had from the gratitude blog. I had to take a few days off from it, and just let it all sink in. Many of you have shared with me that you are inspired to do the same, to start a similar project, etc. Go on with your bad selves. I was inspired by my friends action, and so it goes, inspiration catches fire like that.
You know what else catches fire? Cheeze-whiz. though I havent tested that yet, my guess is yes. So here’s the deal, I’m doing the best I can right now. But now writing this down, I can do a hell of a lot better so I’m gonna start that. right now. Make a few more solid lists and follow them. Walk my dog without picturing us saying goodbye. Eat food that does not contain the letter Z. That kinda thing. And I also need to take the weight off of saying goodbye, I am making it mean more than it is. What is it about goodbye that can have so much urgency around it? I commit to letting that go the best that I can. And to enjoying this moment, cause life is pretty freaking rad.
More love. Less Cheese.