I spent 3 years falling in love with you. And 2 years realizing that I had fallen in love. I can finally say it back to you now “ I love you too.” You’re not here to hear it anymore, this summer will be 2-years since we’ve spoken, you said it hurt you too much to talk to me, because I couldnt love you like you loved me, and I understand it now.
No one has ever loved me the way you loved me, and I want to say thank you. I’m off to Kenya soon for 6-months, I’m being brave in big ways, in ways you always told me I could, in ways you always told me I was. I feel certain that you in my life for the time that you were in it has contributed so greatly to me listening to my heart. You were listening to my heart the whole time.
One day we were driving home down winter roads from snowboarding, and I was unhappy in my job, confused about what to do next, and though I had just started doing yoga I shared with you that someday I’d like to have a studio. As I said those words, I prefaced it with lots of doubt, and all sorts of reasons why I wouldnt do it, other practical things that I could do instead, and you stopped me and said, “I think you should do that. You are amazing when you share what you love”. You also shared with me that you’d go anywhere with me, that if I decided it was time to move to California, you’d pack your bags too. I couldnt comprehend not being alone, and so even though I believed you, I changed the radio station maybe, or told you our exit was coming up…anything but say yes.
Months before my 27th birthday we were eating dinner, and you had this look like a kid on christmas morning, and I asked you if you were alright. You ran into the other room and came back out with an envelope, my birthday present. Inside was a trip to Kripalu, for a week-long trip to train with Seane Corn. You booked it shortly after I came back from a 1-day training with her and I couldnt stop talking about it. As I stared in shock I said again and again that I couldnt except it, you said that you knew I would take that week and share it with so many others, that it was perfect. You left no room for further negotiations, asked me I wanted another beer, and we’d sit that night as we did so many nights side by side on the couch, laughing at eachother, playing littlebig planet, until I got tired, then you’d kiss me on the forehead and wish me sweet dreams, and I’d shuffle off to my apartment.
We lived across the hall from eachother, and for months we were neighbors that said hello. We’d ultimatley have the same nickname for eachother “neighb.” The day when I started to get butterflys was the day I had come out of my apartment and you had stuck a christmas bow on my garbage that I had placed out there the night before to take out. You came out of your door at the same time, grinning, you were wearing a blue sweater and I realized that I had a hard time looking at you in the eyes. Your messy blond hair, and bright blue eyes I realized were making me nervous behind my knees. We were both dating other people at the time, both in our apartment building, both crazy. But as crazy does, it all eventually imploded and you and I found ourselves single and thanking god we made it out our respective crazy alive. You always told me what you loved about me is I saw the person: period. You always said I lived my life more free and boundary-less than anyone you knew, you loved my inquisitive nature about life and all there-in.
I still have the top chef hat you made for us during the finale, and the egg scrambler that you had me hold during the episode for good luck as we rooted for our favorite. I still have the cardboard key that you made me, the non-valentines day/valentines day card, the tag from our christmas tree, a coaster from a pub we stopped at one of the days we took your motorcycle out to the lake. I remember us in the everyday moments of life, when I am singing in the car, I’ll remember how you told me I should sing more, when I’m doing yard work I’ll smile thinking of coming home from work seeing you in the backyard. I have gotten rid of some of the other things I stashed away from the 3 years of us, but I cant seem to get rid of it all yet. I took down the painting that you hung for me, cause it was too big for me to hang on my own. When you and I were ending you told me you hated that painting, because it reminded you of how I was always pushing you out. The day I bought that painting I went to the gallery alone even though you said you had wanted to go. I hate that painting too.
I could go on, but it’s time to truly go on. Movement. G what you did for me is you showed me what I will know now for the rest of my life: what love is. You have found love now, and I can tell she loves you so very much, she’s got the kinda smile i’m glad you get to see so often, and she looks so kind, and I’m happy you did what I couldnt then: fall in love. I have dated since you, some really amazing people, and I’ve even gotten butterflys and weak behind my knees, but you set the bar pretty damn high .The greatest gift you showed me though is that I can fall in love, that life is better in love, and I know when the time is right, I will, I am open to it now. And it feels good. When you loved me, I didnt love me, so we were never going to work out. I’ve worked through that now and I’m proud of my life, and i’m in love with the journey. I’ve healed G, I understand now that it’s all worked out perfectly.
I thought you gave up on me when you told me you couldnt talk to me anymore. I dont believe that anymore, I know now that you gave us both the space to heal. I know we taught eachother so much in our time together. You have showed me how absolutley worth it is to be in life, in love. I want to let you know I set us free. The regrets, the shame, the guilt: I set it free. Thank you for helping me be who I am today. I am grateful for you. And I would not be who I am without you. -L