You know those feelings like ‘oh I’ve been here before’ and then there’s the legitimate, ‘I’ve been here before’ because you really have. They both feel kinda weird.
I’m having a weird week. No eloquence. No grace to those words. Just the awkward truth.
I’m dating someone new (aka have a new job) but still living with my ex (wrapping up my current gig) so I’m not quite anywhere, if that makes sense. Oh and I have ‘feelings for both’ meaning, when you go to break up with someone, it always seems to be when you find the concert ticket stuck to the side of the kitchen drawer. And you find yourself standing there for 5-minutes remembering every moment, of that summer night, and holding hands, and making out, and burgers on the way home. Because, often, the most beautiful thing an ending will give us, is all our favorite moments back.
So you know by now from reading along, that I’ve landed on so many levels, my dream gig. And even though, I spent an entire day yesterday, sitting on the couch, here in Vancouver, just working away…. it’s still not real.
I am aware enough to know that I need to move right on through this, so I don’t keep this experience at a distance, because I’ll never be extraordinary if I do that. And how could I ever ask you to be extraordinary, if I’m not willing to ne that myself.
And so the real talk is. I’m sad. Not ugly-cry-face, cant get my shit together, sad. Just sad. Reflective. Now that I realize it’s not mine anymore, I am taking in all the moments, from counting the pennies at the end of the night when it’s time to close, to all the on-the-ground hilarious moments with the team, to the breakthroughs of being so in it with a team of women, to eating lunch at the goddamn panda express, realizing I forgot my lunch. All of it.
The beautiful thing about things ending, is you realize that a Tuesday with a team you love, is extraordinary.
One of the girls on my team Jessie, she says to me. ‘Lynds, you hold us all so accountable to living a beautiful life. You help us to see how strong we are. You push us harder than anyone. And now. You’re doing this for yourself. You are doing it for yourself, and it’s inspiring.’
And you know, what I’ll say to that, is courage does move across crowds. Courage is powerful enough to change what could be defined as consensus, or in my view, resignation. Courage is what these words are made of ‘I can’ ‘I will’ ‘I am.’
The beautiful thing about things ending, is courage will come to sing it’s fight song with you. And if you’re fortunate like me, you’ll have a horn section, (a tuba, hell yes), a percussion section, and someone with that fuzzy thing beating that big ol drum as you all march on.
I didn’t realize it until last night, when I was walking to yoga, that I am staying just 3 places down from where I stayed a few years back when I first started with lululemon. It was the ‘I’ve been here before, because I’ve really been here before’ moment.
And oh, oh, did I take a trip down memory lane.
I thought about the 10 of us who were here together that week. I saw us in the hotel lobby together, down the street at coffee together, the first dinner we had together, the irish pub where the stouts were just flowing…and, I saw and remembered, our first hangover together : ) I could picture absolutely everything, even conversations we had on corners, across the church. Like that.
I’m still in touch with 6 of those beautiful women. And very close with 2. They live across the states. I guess any period of my life looks like that.
You start with 10.
You keep 6.
You show up on the doorstep of 2, and no amount of moments passing, will ever be bigger than what a hug can do. A glass of wine. And a kitchen table.
Part of what I learned in the past few years, is if you start with 10…you’ll never keep all 10. And that’s okay.
My friend Cyndi has shared so many beautiful things with me over the years, and my favorite is she says ‘people come into our lives for a reason. a season. or a lifetime’
Reason = 10
Season = 6
Lifetime = 2
The real of it is, outside of a handful of people, you wont arrive at the kitchen table of most people. Holding on to the way that it was, means you will only ever be, who you already know you are. And so. You’ll never evolve.
But can I just say, that when you do find the ones you love. Keep them so so close, and never let them wonder about how much you love them. Of all the ways it is beautiful to wonder…I’m saying, don’t ever be the source of someone wondering how much you love them.
I’ve lived in 12 apartments, 4 cities, 3 states, and 2 countries since graduating college in 2003. I have had the most beautiful, wild, passionate, heart-breaking, breakthrough moments. All from this. All of it. In each of these experiences, I have met people who have dramatically altered the course of my life. Every year, I love harder than the year before. I love like a goddamn lion. I don’t see any other way, anymore. Because when you lived a large part of your life, across oceans and state lines, there’s something about always being new, where there is no guarantee. And so, you love. And anyone who has ever moved I think, is nodding their head on this one.
I have moments where I’d give all this up, to be back home, in NY, married with kids, but even writing that, I know it’s not my life…not yet. And honestly, maybe not ever. And…that’s something I’ve had to reconcile over the years. For not wanting that, to not be wrong.
And oh yes, I want partnership, and babies, and dogs, and a beautiful home with a beautiful kitchen table, and an open invitation…but it’s just going to look different.
Last night I remembered, that if I went right, and just kept going, I’d get to the water. And I went to bed last night and I could barely wait to wake up, to throw on my sneakers and run.
I asked the concierge last night, to confirm what I already knew. What I remembered from the last time I was here.
‘if I just go right out of this door, and keep going, I’ll get to the water wont I?’
‘yes but, you’ll have to’ (x,y,z) he told me everything that could get in the way or another route I could try.
But I frankly, didn’t give a shit.
People will always tell you what could get in your way. And how it might rain. And how it will be dark. People will always have other routes for you to try. Always.
And what I’m saying is, care less about that, and follow what you already know. Instinct and memory. Instinct over fear.
And as it’s early this morning, and it’s dark, and it’s raining, and I knew if I kept going, I’d get to the water. And for me, this is everything. This is state lines, and countries. It’s this sense that I could get lost, but I am far more lost staring at the same thing, every day. It’s that in every transition, I become stronger, I love harder. It’s that full body knowing that if I were go right, and just keep going, I’ll figure it out. It humbles me, it thrills me, and I will always find my way here.
To the source.