Oh hey July, lets make-out.
I cant quite get my hands around the magic that has been this month…and I don’t want to. I don’t want to understand it. I don’t want to overthink it. I don’t want this to be the month that I measure everything else against…because what would be left then, is comparison. What would be left would be always trying to create something that already was. Right now I’m sitting next to a full French press of coffee, Moose is snuggled up on my left side, and I’m writing to you, to tell the truth.
I cruised into this month, fresh off advanced landmark training. For 3-days, 12 plus hours each day, I sat in a chair in a group full of people, and we worked together, and alone, we pushed up against each others stories and history’s, and we saw each other in triumph and breakdown, I showed you my shadows, and you showed me yours. And in this, we all got a little more honest. And we even began to practice saying the truth outloud, and we listened for the way the truth sounds, the way the truth sounds…the way the truth sounds.
Do you know the way the truth sounds? How else will you know…say it outloud.
The night I was about to turn 33, I sat around the table with people I adore. A dinner, to celebrate, candles to blow out, wishes to be made, declarations to say out loud. For the first time ever, when I blew out my candles, I didn’t wish for anything in the future, I didn’t wish to un-do what I had already done, I didn’t even wish….I asked instead for the courage to always live a life that feels just like this.
Surrounded by people I love.
Having conversations that move me and move us all forward.
Seeing, and being seen.
Do you know what it feels like to be seen? Do you know that if you look in someone’s eyes, you will see yourself reflected back? Not in just an om, om, kinda way. In a physical way, in a way that no excuse could ever be bigger than. If I were to blow out candles for the whole world, if I were given that opportunity…my wish would be for each of us to be fully expressed and seen.
If I were to blow out candles for the whole wide world…I would.
And so on this evening, sitting around a table with people I love so much. I let myself be completely loved, and cared for, I ate an amazing meal that was prepared to honor me, I opened gifts, I laughed, I cried. And damn, it felt so good. One of the few moments of my life where I was completely open to receive.
A few days later, I hopped on an airplane to NY. Home. I wrote to you, to tell you about why and what this meant…but going home will do something for sure if you let it. It will break your heart with it’s history, it will have you slowing down on roads and remembering…the time when, the moment that, the places where…
It will break your heart with it’s history, and take you to your knees, and if you let it, it will wash you again and again with gratitude. I promise you it will. Because there is something unrepeatable about a place that knows all about you. About a front porch that knows your first kiss. About the creek that you believed, if you walked far enough, you would get to the ocean. You told everyone else too, in a way where we all believed, if we went far enough, we’d get there. And though you never quite made it to the ocean, you made it till it got dark. You came home. To a mom and a dad and a sister, to the first family you ever knew, the complex history of 4 people put together to learn and grow, to heal where we are all a bit broken. In matters of the heart, and you’d give anything to go back in those doors at dusk. To hear the TV playing downstairs. Mom on the phone talking loud and animated in a language you could not understand, but learned to listen for inflection. A sister who shared a wall, and secrets, and the fear that the secrets in this house would be bigger than our desire and ache to live differently than this.
But it’s our secrets that made us who we are.
And do you know…every house has it’s secrets. And you can come free if you can say them out loud. Because then they are not of you, they are a part of your history. And one day you’ll give anything to walk back in at dusk, to a place that knows all about you…did you dream as a child that you could walk to the ocean? What did you dream about?
I spent the week basking, that’s the perfect word for it, in the history and the change of my hometown. New babies, from momma’s and papas I love, admire, and respect. Change, so much change. I spent the week with no apologies to my time, or what I needed most. I spent quite bit of time alone. Which felt, frankly, so fucking good. Everyday it rained, and most days it thundered.
Most days it thundered.
And shook me right awake.
Traveling back, things got a little hairy. The thunder had me overnight in Chicago instead of back home in california, and with zero panic, had me finding my way to a sweet friends kitchen, standing at midnight, staying awake on connection, and the comfort of friendship that has lasted years, miles, and continents. This beautiful friend, one of the very first people on the planet who saw the darkest sides of my truth and loved me more because of it. An affirmation to keep telling the truth. A turning point. A friendship in which nothing else is ever the same. My dear friend Angie, I love you.
A morning with an absolute light of a human being. Coffee and eggs. Big giant smiles, and explosions of inspiration. Sitting across the table from a beautiful person, who had, without ever meeting me until this moment…put herself out there for me. For my goals. For my big life. On trust and faith only. The kind of connection where even though you are meeting in real life for the first time…there’s a deep sense of familiar. We’ve been here before, is what must be the truth. Connection is that way.
Do you know, that connection is the place from which everything is built.
I was home for a day. I didn’t unpack my bags. I snuggled up on Moose, and we went for a long long walk so I could feel the past weeks move through me, as I moved across our favorite park. My two feet, his four, and the countless mornings, and hours, we’ve spent, just like this.
This park I’ve been so sad in. So happy in. So indifferent in. So in love in, remembering Sunday mornings with Paul, where I stretched out on my belly reading the NY times in the sun, and he lay, with his head on my low back eyes closed and smiling, Moose by his side. If you had given me candles in that moment, I would have wished for that moment to repeat itself 100 times again…but that was our whole breakdown. I wished for moments to repeat themselves, instead of believing we would just keep creating. I got scared and wished for the past, and for moments. I wondered how many times would we be in the park just like this, connected. And in this, I was completely disconnected. I’ll know now, the next time I am in the park with the person I love, to let that be enough. To wish for nothing.
Do you know that wishing for nothing just might be the way…if you are in love. Be in love.
The next morning, I left for Lake Tahoe. Wanderlust. An amazing festival of yoga, and music. How else to say this…
Without question, one of the best weeks of my whole entire life.
There was a team of us working for lululemon…an amazing, dynamic, beautiful, hilarious, dedicated, compassionate, group of 20-women, who I will forever regard as family, the kind of family you build in experiences.
Man, some highlights. Let me just say, after landmark, birthday, NY, etc. driving up to Tahoe, I made a commitment to be free…I was on a role with this whole freedom thing. So duh. Of COURSE I attracted that in, and on weds night, I’m going to sum it up in one sentence, and put a period on it, and just leave it there. I HAD THE BEST MAKEOUT SESH EVER. Okay, 3 more sentences. It was way hot. It was with a totally gorgeous stranger. My heart’s beating fast just thinking about it, god bless connection, passion, AND festival life (it brings out the best in people ya’ll)
Oaaaaakay, so moving forward from there. Though I didn’t makeout with anyone else : ) the whole entire week was one giant, beautiful week of connection. I met A TON of amazing people. I was in a beautiful and abundant balance of giving and receiving. I took some amazing yoga classes. I cried my eyes out watching 2 of my favorite people on the planet do what they do best. Oh, and I danced. EVERY NIGHT. For hours and hours and hours. And that group of 20-beautiful woman I was telling you about. They did too. Without any set plans of who was meeting where, some how, we just all ended up together each night, on the dance floor, arms up in the air, I mean, just GOIN’ for it. I haven’t danced like that in so so long…and certainly not 4-nights in a row.
The power of dance. ITS FREAKING REAL YA’LL!
There are relationships from this festival that I will have forever, including a new relationship to myself, I have never felt this free. I know that every month of my life, logistically cant involve spending half of it just hanging out in NY, and half of it, being totally wild and free at a festival….BUT this week, I once again was given the chance to declare my core values. And here’s what I’m living by.
A life that is driven by:
I know it’s possible, because I’m living it. This month has been what is has been for me, because it’s what I declared I was seeking, and what I believed I could receive.
This month, and this life for that matter, has never come by accident. The heartbreak, the history, the depth, the connections, the east coast, the west coast…all of it.
All of it.
If I were given candles on a cake…I’d let the canldes burn out to the end, I’d want to stay in the light a little longer.
Life’s too short to wish about it.