For the next 30-days, I’m putting myself in time-out.
Facebook. Instagram. Watching TV on my computer.
Lately, I sleep with my computer next to me, like some weird lover that’s always offering to me strange information. Bing. Ding. Swoosh. Telling me, there’s more coming at you, respond.
My phone is on my nightstand. In the morning it does this. (chiming noise) at 5am, T, W, and Thursday. I wake up, the other days start a few hours later. Immediately I check something…my email, my texts from friends in NY, my voice-mail, shit, I forgot to cancel my dentist appointment, I need to book my flight to NY, oh fares are on sale, what was that hotel address, let me try to find it, did I remember to put that post up for work…
Not even Moose get’s out of bed. He know’s what’s up.
I love social media. I truly do. I love knowing what’s going on. As a visual person, I love seeing what you’re connected to. I love knowing what you love. And I love to like it.
I love to watch madmen and have scandalous thoughts about Don Draper.
I love instagram. My god is your dog cute. Your baby? Forget about it. That lasagna? I die. And obviously I want to show off moose, because, he is exceptional.
But I’m not accountable enough to call you and ask you about your dog/baby/lasagna…but I’ll sure as shit, like it twice.
I feel I am best in the world at connection, and lately, I’m falling flat.
Lately I am accepting sleeping next to a computer instead of a human being with a heartbeat.
I am responding immediately to the noises. Because dammit, you can count on me.
But when I’m this knee deep, I cant count on me.
Where am I.
Let me tell ya, lately I am walking into furniture, losing keys, credit cards, and other things on the reg. I am going for runs and slamming the pavement, blasting hip hop in my ears and flailing my arms about because I have too.much.damn.energy.inside.
For real, shoulda seen me on my run last week. Surprised I didn’t get pulled over.
‘Excuse me miss, what the fuck are you doing’
‘Oh, I don’t know officer, just trying to work some stuff out’
‘Um okay, well just look out for women and children’
I would not be stunned if this happened for me my next aggressive run through the park.
Meanwhile. I am good. Functioning at a high level. Doing great at work. Laughing daily, because well, this is me too. Going to my yoga mat most days. Running (albeit like a spaz) most days. Eating somewhat healthy. (never met a tator tot I could turn down). And Saturday night for sure was sponsored by dirty martinis. (yolo) Having amazing conversations with amazing people, like totally falling in love with the people in my life. If there’s anything I do AMAZING at…it’s drawing in the best people in the world. The best. Once I’m in it with you, I’m in it with you. And man do I love the people in my life.
This morning, I had a good cry. A good-old-fashioned-ugly-face-in-my-pajamas-at-10-am-cry. Talking to a beauty who is all things, a mentor, a friend, a lighthouse, all around just one of my favorite people in the world.
What are you doing? – she asks. This is after I sent her an email last night sharing what I was doing. What are you doing- both compassionate AND accountable…I don’t know how she does it, but every question she asks me sounds like both.
And that was it. Lost it.
Couldn’t find it. Cried my way through it. Snorted. Oh yeah, snorted.
I’m real fucking uncomfortable I said.
Oh good, she said, stay there. And she mine as well have been in my kitchen with me, giving me the side-eye, because I mean that’s what I needed to hear ‘good, stay there’ not, you poor thing, oh, it must be hard, oh, blah, boo, hoo, etc.
Ps. Dont hang out with the boo-hoo people, you’ll never get anywhere. Hang out with the people that put you in the fire AND make smores with you.
It was like when my friend/life-coach/more extraordinary than an astronaut/mary beth larue tells me ‘lyndsey you keep choosing people who will love you more than you’ll love them…you are afraid to love hard, like all-in kinda love’
I’m starting to understand.
And it’s what I want. Everywhere.
All-in, work. All-in, partnership. All-in, ERRRYTHING.
So I’m going in people.
And so. I’m going out. To go in, I just gotta be with what is.
Take my Nintendo game out, and blow on that shit so I can play again (please tell me you remember this)
When I did my 10-day silent meditation back this summer, I came out of there clear as a bell. I remember one day, like 3-days in of not saying a word and sitting in meditation for 14 hours a day. And I touched a flower petal, and I was like ‘oh my god, this is beyond beautiful’ I felt like I was on drugs. I took like 5 minutes and just ran my fingertips across this one flower petal again and again, and then, walked 20 feet, took both my hands and waved them across this lavender bush like it was a freaking harp, and I couldn’t stop smiling.
Was I losing it?
Oh heck yes. But what was happening was I was so aware. So heightened. So appreciative. So grateful.
Life doesn’t call for me to just go running back into silence every time I feel I’m going overboard. But I can do something about that.
I want you to consider joining me on this. Doesn’t have to be today. But take a look at what you have, instead of looking at what everyone else has. I saw this quote the other day,
‘if you cant be grateful for what you have, what makes you think you’d be grateful with more’
In the meantime, these are my 5 commitments on the other side of this month.
1) Coffee dates with 10 friends. (both in person or skype)
2) book a vacation to big sur with friends
3) website is live and rockin (Amy, Carolyn, I need you here)
4) offer letter signed
5) an amazing makeout sesh, and maybe even second base ; ) heyhoooo!
I’ll keep writing. Creating. Expressing. Photos. Art. Collaborations. Living big. Dreaming big. Feeling good. Feeling bad. Wanting more. Needing less. Loving harder.