Rest. Rest Deep. (lessons on transitions, asking for help, and the miracle of popsicles)
There have been three times in my life where I was sure I was going to die.
- at the New Kids on the Block concert, Summer 1989, of sheer bliss and joy.
- on a flight from Boston to Rochester NY in state-of-emergency weather conditions, holding hands with my entire row, shouting the hail mary.
All was seemingly well. Got home from Vancouver Saturday afternoon, got to bed early, took some Sunday yoga, and went to work. Went to whole foods after work, got a sandwich (it was delicious) did some a few more things for my new job, midnight, lights out.
2am. Lights on.
Something’s wrong here. Full-body, oh my lord, what in the world, wrong.
The state of my sandwich was compromised. And so it went.
And boy did it go.
At 3am I sent semi-coherrent emails to my team asking for possible coverage for the day. At that point my email was still ‘I don’t know maybe I can make it, I just feel kinda funny’ by 414am, it was all, ‘help.’
Now here’s an aside.
I am fiercely independent. I make up emergency contacts when I am forced to put those down. I spend major holidays with just Moose. I’ve lived completely and blissfully, alone, for the past decade. I have, on many occasions, stood naked in my kitchen eating tator tots, thinking to myself ‘this is the life.’ You can drop me in the middle of pretty much anywhere, and I’ll find my way to town. When given the option on my 10-day silent retreat to stay in a very nice dorm with 3-5 other people, or camp, in a tent, that I must put up myself, during what the weather report says could be a ‘fairly rainy week’ I say. GIVE ME THAT TENT! Mind you, these are 3-5 other people in this cushy dorm with beds and heat that are ALSO not saying a word, but I’d rather be in possibly flooded tent, than share space with silent strangers. It works.
And also, doesn’t work.
Here’s what’s weird, I really love people, I wont accept less than deep connection, I thrive in human to being moments. And. I REALLY LOVE BEING ALONE. (It’s safe, it’s easy, and I can control it : ) I am a very odd blend of being highly extroverted, and deeply introverted.
I also hate asking for help.
But damn. There was no way I was making it through yesterday without some help.
I spent much of the day in one corner of my bed, flinging my arms and legs around in various shapes hoping for relief. I laid my hands on the cool wall, I drifted in and out of sleep. I laid on the bathroom floor, because I saw that once in a movie, and it seemed like a good idea, but it’s not. It’s dumb and terrible. My dear buddy Leah brought me my first round of help. Which came by way of applesauce, fancy electrolytes, sparkling water, a decorative pumpkin (so festive!) and…what I am forever calling a game-changer.
FUCKING POPSICLES! Those popsicles were my everything. I would have never thought to eat a popsicle while sick, and now, just so you know, if you ever call me when you’re sick. You’re getting a variety pack. You. are. welcome.
Leah texts me, ‘I know you want Gatorade, but it’s not what you need, drink the other stuff’ – and she was right. I really wanted some Gatorade. And she was right. This mom-to-mom stuff, is the business.
Facebook showed me that this flu had more than one of my friends down and out, which somehow, just does feel better. And so we commiserated over texts all day. ‘I think I turned the corner, did you?’ ‘what are you watching on netflix’ etc etc.
And then. I took to facebook to do what I think should only be done once or twice a year.
I needed pity.
And oh my if it didn’t show up. THANK YOU! And my second drop-off for the day came by my sweet friend Cari. Who brought me multiple flavors of Gatorade (sorry Leah!) and homemade soup. Cause Cari’s just not the kinda girl that shows up with things in cans. I couldn’t eat much, but the idea and care of it all, was so very comforting.
Asking for help.
What a concept.
I sent out a few more emails, got my day covered again at work today (thank you dream team), and sent an email out to my new boss to let her know why I had gone completely off the radar today.
And I get back the simplest, most comforting message.
It’s funny, because just 2 days ago, I said that what I needed most was to be gentle with myself as I move through this transition of changing jobs, teams, etc. And gentle, is simply not my natural state. Go. Do. More. Fast. Is.
And so, as to leave room for zero confusion, I was given the flu, just to make sure that I am super super clear here. Be gentle.
And so. I’m on the other side of this thing for sure.
With a little more kindness to myself. And yet another day that shows me, it’s okay to ask for help.
Love and Soup.